It’s a beautiful life. I stayed home today from work and went flower shopping with my Grandma who is visiting from Pella Iowa. We bought a hundred dollars worth of blooming colorful flowers and then came home and spent the rest of the day playing in the dirt, trying to get them all planted before it rained. If you have a green thumb at all you are reading this and thinking of how wonderful it all sounds. What you don’t know about me however, is how much I hate gardening. I don’t mind getting dirty and working outside but when it comes to masses of ants, spiders, weeds, and roots... I opt out. I can honestly say however, that today was one of the best days of my life. My Grandma was getting so much joy out of making our yard look good and she wasn’t even going to get to enjoy the finished product for long. Her happiness was contagious and I found myself smiling and laughing and transplanting and digging holes and dead heading and pulling weeds and rolling around in ants for hours in the heat with out even thinking about how labor intensive it all was. Attitude is everything, and it all started with my Grandma getting joy out of our joy. In turn I got joy out of her joy and in the end everyone is happy and our yard looks similar to The Secret Garden. I really believe everyday could be like this for us if we all got a little more joy out of other peoples’ happiness. It truly is a beautiful life.

Road trip.

Enough said.

everyone's got one...

I was online today searching google images, looking for cute black and white pictures of couples kissing (I find them so sweet) when I ended up clicking on one of the pictures and it took me to this page where some random person was asking this simple question:

"Do you like kissing? Yes or no?"

This person got like 2,000 responses.

Now I'm not judging anyone.. after all, I am the one who just admitted to googling black and white pictures of people kissing.... but who are these 2,000 people sitting around on the internet dying to put their two cents in on a topic that has been explored and, from what I understand, anonymously agreed upon?

This isn't the first time I've come across pages like this on the internet. You can type in "I prefer plastic" and you will find pages devoted to the question of paper or plastic. Or try "I eat dirt" and see what you get... i haven't tried it but i guarantee someone has been online and asked something like "is it OK if I eat dirt?" and has probably gotten thousands of responses from people sitting at their computers just dying to give someone their opinion.

That's all I wanted to say.

It will only hurt for a second...

I waxed my legs today, it hurts. (The pretty calm girl in the picture to the left, relaxing in her underwear, about to rip the strip from her leg is either in denial about what's about to happen or she has never waxed before).

It was around my second or third sheet that I had to stop and reevaluate. I had laid the wax out smoothly on my legs and placed the cloth over it and pressed it down. All signs were a go; the green light was glaring; the moment had come where I should then rip the tiny hairs by the hundreds from that portion of my leg, using brute force, pulling each tiny follicle from it's cozy micospot inside my all too welcoming pores. I leaned against the bathroom counter and stared into the mirror image of my eyes and asked myself ... "What the hell are you doing?"...

At this point I had to reexplain to my pain sensors that if I didn't carry through with this I would end up with massive razor burn as a result.
p.s. My legs hate being shaven. If I get so much as too close to a razor my legs turn red and spotty.

and don't even talk to me about shaving cream, quad blade razors, and soaking... I've tried it all.

Unless I want to do as many great women have done before me and have luxuriously hairy legs I need to do this; I have to do this. The mirror image of my pupils constricted a little and I knew that I was ready once more to go against my entire being's better judgment. I went on like this for about an hour and a half. every two strips or so I had to stop and give myself a little pep talk. The reason for me telling you all of this is not so that you can be grossed out or feel sorry for me or even get a thrill from my pain.

However, if this has thrilled you thus far feel free to start at the top again at this point. Repeat at will.

I have told you all of this because it has gotten me thinking. The only way in hell that I would do this to myself is if I know that the other options are worse. I know that the long term pain of not waxing is not worth going through when I can have an hour and a half of mind boggling, sweat gland stimulating, tear jerking, nerve bending pain and get it over with. It's like the band-aid analogy that many people resort to when they need to talk someone into doing something they themselves would not do in a million years. In fact, I suppose IT IS the band-aid analogy; except if I thought I could apply the wax, place the cloth on and then let the area soak for a while in the tub before pulling in off painlessly and have the desired effect, I would definitely go that rout.

Which brings me to a side thought: I feel the band-aid analogy is a poor one. The only people who rip their band-aids off are people in a hurry or who haven't considered alternative methods and maybe people who have no hair or pain sensors .

When I was in the bathroom performing the procedure described above, I realized how amazing it is that I am even able to make this kind of decision for myself. The fact that I can use my mind (that's not completely on board with the plan) >>>> to tell my shaking arm>>>> to tell my hand >>>>>to unwillingly cause such massive amounts of pain in a single moment is pretty impressive to say the least. I heard a story a year or so ago about this man who was hiking and got his arm caught under a rock. Supposedly he just cut it off all on his own and walked down the mountain. Seems impossible and ridiculous but when you consider the situation he was in you know why he did it. It was either cut his own arm off or lay there in pain until he died; the cards were stacked against his arm I'm afraid.

On tv the other day I watched a girl eat a heart for the POTENTIAL of winning a thousand dollars. She must have considered her situation and decided that she could either not eat the heart and walk away, leaving her nothing gained (making the rats she hung out with a few hours before wasted bravery) OR she could eat the thing and maybe still be poor but MAYBE have a thousand dollars to spend... well, after taxes.... eight hundred?

So to sum it up I suppose there's no telling what we'll do if the right alternatives are stacked against us. On the other hand sometimes the alternatives we chose effect others...then what? The other day when I was visiting Washington DC a woman on the bus with us had forgotten a tooth brush. I offered her mine (knowing that I could use my sister's if she accepted). She declined. I know why she declined but I bet the guy who had to sit next to her wished he could have decided for her. The alternative that she went with, although more appealing to her would not have been his first choice I'm sure.

I could go on an on about how this way of life effects everyone but I'm going to stop here and let your mind take over for a while. I'm gonna let you think about all of the things you do... not because you like it, or even the results, but because the alternatives stink. My mind is tired and hates me right now. It didn't like waxing. I tried to let it nap after the scene but it wouldn't shut down... it just kept screaming. Now it's yelling at me to get up and clean the house, this exact message is coming from the part of mind that is my conscience. It also keeps telling me that no one is going to enjoy reading this post, but I tend to disagree. I think there has to be a few sick individuals who have really enjoyed hearing about the pain I went through and have really taken a lot from this. You're welcome.

A New Conclusion

Conclusion: Where often does define whom
How I got there: Today I went to the gym to work out and it occurred to me how much camaraderie I felt with the people around me. We were all there for the same purpose and we all knew what it was going to take to reach our goals. Some people were charting their progress and I felt a little less camaraderie with those individuals. I don't chart, I just keep going with as much intensity as possible for as long as possible. I guess I'm kind of charting every morning when I attempt to pull my jeans on. If they fit I know I've done well, if they don't I put on sweat pants and try again later.

I realize though that you can't just go anywhere to find yourself surrounded by people you respect and meet on some level. I was at the library the other day using their computers and found myself having the exact opposite experience than that of the gym. I didn't feel any kind of camaraderie with any single person huddled there. Everyone around me made me want to disinfect the unit I was using and hold my breath at long intervals. To my right there was an older man shaking violently and asking the lady at the desk some random question every few minutes. Across from me was a young girl listening to some kind of girly gospel pop music loudly, laughing every few minutes and trying to sing along while she looked around the room nervously. The man next to her was the only man I felt any kind of connection with as he kept sweating all over himself and gritting his teeth to keep from choking the life out of her. A couple to the right of Sweaty man and Loud girl were sharing a computer and kept laughing and whispering to each other so loudly that I have no idea why I couldn't make out what they were saying. I came to the conclusion that it was either another language or they were horrible at enunciating. The best piece to this picture was the man across the room at the printer who kept announcing every time another page popped out of the printer. I think you get the idea.

Also, I was at the bar a few nights ago and met a number of different entertaining people but each one of them later proved to be divorced alcoholics who "just started the p90x fitness program".

From all of this and more examples I wont get into here, I've decided that where you spend your time makes a huge difference as to the quality of people you are going to run into. Where often does define whom. I hate to stereotype like this and most of you reading this are probably upset because either you ARE one of those strange individuals who go to the library to use the computers or you married the divorced guy who lied about his involvement with the p90x program. Either way I respect your position and opinion but I have to hold to this. I am going to start spending more time at the gym, licensing bureau, Walgreens, ice cream parlors, the large print nonfiction section of the library, banks and carpool lots as these are a few of the places I have felt right at home. I am going to avoid public computers, fast food restaurants, bars, playgrounds, museums, Walmart, Verizon stores, Hot Topic, and carnivals.

It Is As You Will It.

It's nearing the end of spring break and it is officially the end of my two week babysitting job. It's the most bitter sweet moment I've experienced in a while. I don't know whether to celebrate that I'm free for the next few days or cry because I only have a few days left before classes start again. I'm a rather pessimistic person I'm beginning to realize so I'm sure I will go with the 'cry because I only have a few days left' option. I can not freely label most thoughts I have as pessimistic however. I think I have a great outlook on life when it come to my future, I think I just worry WAY to much, which is why this idea of school starting up again is harassing me with thoughts of what I will need to do once Monday comes.

SO I have decided that I am going to discontinue planning until after summer. My last plan here is to graduate and my first plan after that is to not plan a thing. I like it.

Why wouldn't it be ok to move to an island all on your own and just exist? You have food, you have water, you have things to do that keep you occupied. But why do you and I both have this understanding that this living situation would only be ok for so long before it would cease to be ok and would in fact become detrimental. This of course is an extreme case of existing with out others and a better and perhaps less extreme example would be life with out cell phones, email, or facebook.

Right now you are reading this and thinking.... "yeah.....and....?.... Don't flatter yourself to think you've come across something that hasn't already been covered and looked into by many people before you Ally."

Knowing that this is most likely your thought process pushes me to get to the point as quickly as possible, so here it is... I have spent my whole life with the attitude that I don't need anybody. I love people and I have lots of dear dear friends who mean a lot to me but I honestly have been confident that if need be I could do this on my own. The older I get and the more aware I become of my existence and how it relates to the existence of others I'm realizing that I do need everyone, in fact it's kind of scary thinking of not having anyone.

I talk to this old man in church every Sunday. He waits for me in the same spot drinking his coffee just looking forward to a three minute conversation with me. He takes no pains to hide the fact that he appreciates me and our talks. His face lights up when I walk over to him and I just know that his week has been changed for the better just by me taking time to say hello. At first I have to admit i found this tragic.. I kept thinking about how much it's going to suck to get old and be so needy and alone. But I was being naive to my own situation. If it weren't for my friends, family, cell phone, email, and facebook I would probably be much less shy about letting people know how much I appreciate them, in part because I would actually become more aware of it myself.

Strange as it may sound I hope I can be more like this old man and I'm gonna try to be. I am surrounded by the most amazing people that I would hate to ever be with out and I want them to know that every time they say hello to me.

This is a rather deep post that I should probably delete and not publish but... I'm going to anyway. If it's not up by tomorrow you'll know what happened to it though lol